Big Game Hunting

Now I'm one of these people, right - I love battering defenceless little animals. My life is just full of the little blighters, and it's been frustrating me no end that they always seemed to be just out of reach. Not too far away you understand - sometimes they were right in my face - just out of reach.

I think I mentioned before that motor skills are proving a real trial...well - bit of a breakthrough today :-) Didn't I just figure out how to whack those little suckers good style! Smack! on the giraffe...bash! there goes the parrot...kerzowee! take that monkey! God it was so good - what a thrill...what adrenalin! Yes indeed, you really know you're alive when you're giving a dumb creature a sound thrashing.

Now, if only I could get hold of that little dog that keeps licking me - the rat on stilts they call 'Lulu'...

I'm one of those people who can forgive just about anything

Very pleased to see Mummy & Daddy this morning - smiled like an idiot before I remembered I was in a strop with them. ONE MORE CHANCE - that's all they're getting.

Just call me pin cushion

Remember this name, children, and remember it well - Dr O'Connor...never let that SOB anywhere near you. Oh yeah - he's all nicey nice and Mr Bedside Manner 2002 but DO NOT BE FOOLED! Once he's within range it's the shower scene from Psycho and no prizes for guessig who gets to be Janet Leigh. That surgery's in a big old house and I'm betting his mother lives upstairs - am I making myself clear? AND THEN THEY TELL YOU IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!!!

Screamed for hours just to show them who knows what's for my own good, SERIOUS doubts about Mummy & Daddy...

Big girl for Daddy update

Cool Hand Linda's dodgy scales finally packed in today. Daddy thinks it's because she's rich because he said "fat wallet", but I think they were just rubbish scales. Head circumference (40cm) still on that 91st centile (starting to bug me now - what is that?), but length (60cm) is now apparently above that.

According to The Beautiful Zoe that means I'm going to be a supermodel, but Daddy seemed much less pleased with that than with being a big girl for him.

Big girl for Daddy update

Cool Hand Linda was in town again today, complete with poems and dodgy scales. Weight now up to 11lb 9oz (5.27kg), length 58cm and head circumference 39cm. Still bang on that 91st centile, whatever the hell it is. Must note it for future investigation...

Big girl for Daddy update

Cool Hand Linda, the Health Visitor, called by today - my new weight (goosebumps and all) is 10lb 8oz (4.76kg) and my length is 56cm, head circumference 37.9cm. Apparently they all put me on something called the 91st centile (which is exacly where I was when I was born). I haven't had time to study too much statistics yet, but it seems that makes me officially a 'big girl for my Daddy' - which seemed to keep him happy. Ah well - simple things, I guess...now FEED ME!

Shooting the breeze

Now I'm one of these people, right - I like to talk about farting. Not just do it - we'll come to that in a minute - but actually talk about it too. And it's not as rare as you might think. My evidence? Well, most adults will look away in embarassment if someone starts talking about their farts; but start talking about a baby's farts and you just can't get a word in edgeways...it's fartistry by proxy; vicarious wind-talking; surrogate flatulence. People are just dying to discuss the finer points of the 'machine-gun' and the 'nappy ripper'.

And why not..? The range is so fascinating, subtle and endlessly inventive that it deserves that kind of discussion. Let's face it - however much I may want to paint, write and compose, that's all going to have to wait (those motor skills are a swine). In the meantime, having a damn good fart, selecting from that richly varied idiom, is one of my few means of self-expression and realisation...so let's celebrate it!

And besides - it HURTS LIKE HELL when it's inside, so just GET IT OUT OF ME!

Prrrrrrrrrrp...pup...pup...prrrp

Ahhhhhhh..gooooo :-)

One of those people

There's been a stream of visitors (apart from Daddy and Granny, who come lots) ever since I arrived - the cast of my life, but like any good author manipulating their characters I'll introduce them bit by bit, as it suits me.

Mummy continues to shape up - she even got out of bed today. I wish I could! Not only am I stuck here, but they insist on wrapping me up like a dead Egyptian - swaddling, they call it. Now, I'm one of those people who just can't stand that - it will have to stop!

Hasty

So it seems that I may have been a little hasty in deciding that Mummy was dopey. She seems almost coherent today. Perhaps she was just overcome by my radiant presence (all 9lb 3oz, 4.18kg, of it)..?

What the hell happened..?

Aged 15 mins


I don't want to start the whole shebang with a cliche, but Jesus - I mean, one minute everything's all dark and cosy (if a little cramped) and the next it's bright lights, harsh sounds and blood and guts everywhere..! Still, apparently something called my Apgars were perfect so it must have been Mummy's blood, I guess.

Three hours ago that was and since then it's been all go - hope that's not a sign of what's in store out here! First they took me to see Daddy, who must be a cleaner or something because he was waiting in a broom cupboard. Big, and cries a lot - something about long hard ways and never thinking it would happen (he doesn't know the half of it, believe me - he should have tried being the one on the inside!). Apparently you don't get any choice in these things, so I guess he'll have to do.

Then I went back to see Mummy again, but she was still lying quite still and moaning a bit like some kind of night-of-the living-dead extra. What on earth have I got myself into? Apparently the blood was hers and there was rather a lot of it - which you would have thought would have made her even more keen to see me, but no! I just had to lay there next to her for ages without even a mobile to look at. You'd think they could have strung up a few scalpels or something...

So eventually we get to go to the ward, with my dopey Mummy and big snuffly Daddy, and that's when I get to meet my Granny - who seems nice enough and not too mad for an auld one - and my big sister Zoe - who is beautiful, which is the first reasssurance I've had - and Bryan, who is something called 'er fella', apparently - note that for future investigation.
The Beautiful Zoe